Varia Vignettes
by InsaneScriptist
Summary: Various vignettes about and from the Varia. #12. Appeal and Ideal #13. A Quiet Affair (in theory). #14. Skeletons in the Closet #15. A Wish for Success #16. The Power of Love
1. Bester and Boxes

**Bester and Boxes**

No one in the Varia likes to mention it, but everyone knows that Xanxus spoils Bester silly. He practically dotes on the liger and keeps the liger out as much as possible. The liger even sleeps with him sometimes, taking up his share of the bed and terrifying anyone sent in to wake Xanxus up; as if they didn't have enough reasons to dread entering Xanxus' bedroom to wake the Boss up.

So the Varia has gotten used to Bester laying around in Xanxus' office giving judging cat looks from behind Xanxus desk, leaving shed fur on the furniture and wandering the halls to find that spot of morning sunshine in the library.

The Varia has also gotten used to Bester demanding to be let in and out of the castle, playfully pouncing on the recruits and shamelessly begging the cooks and Lussuria for meat. There's the occasional roar that makes people jump, but those are rarer than people think.

So of course it's Fran that decides Bester needs his own cardboard box. Finding a large enough box is troublesome because Bester is a full-sized animal; he's not going to be able to fit in a small cardboard box. Fran manages to obtain several large cardboard boxes and even a box that once housed a refrigerator.

Bel comes upon Fran then, as Fran assembles a castle of cardboard.

"Froggy, whatever are you doing?"

"I'm making a cardboard castle for Bester. Box animals take after their masters, so I don't see that tiger-wannabe settling for a mere cardboard box."

Bel stays silent for a moment, and then he starts critiquing Fran's work. The towers need work and there's not even a blanket in the cardboard castle. These 'mistakes' are rectified at knife-point and then the two of them have a glorious cardboard castle. Now they just have to find the liger in question.

As the two of them argue their way out, Bester noses his way into the room in question.

He sniffs at the cardboard castle and the unused boxes, winding his way around on silent paws as he investigates every nook and cranny of the new thing. He notices that there's a piece that moves if his nose touches it, so he takes a paw to it.

Down goes a cardboard tower.

Bester is curious about if the rest will do such a thing and so decides to destroy the castle in the fastest way possible; he roars. The castle is no more.

Later, when Bel and Fran find the liger, Bester is in a slightly too small box for his bulk with the blanket under him and there's another box folded against the wall behind him.

"Fran, you're an idiot. It's obvious we should have built a throne."

* * *

Not beta'd, but still adorable.


	2. Delegation

Delegation or Squalo and Shopping

* * *

There were times that Squalo missed being in charge of the madhouse that was the Varia. Despite the headaches, frustration and general insanity the reason could be summed up in one word.

Delegation.

Squalo missed being able to delegate things. He still could, as he was the Varia's Captain -the Varia ranks weren't exactly military standard- but there were things that his shitty Boss wanted discretion or a personal touch on a job.

Now if Squalo was killing someone then he'd be fine with that. He might even cross-dress for that as he had on a couple of missions where invisibility was key and no one would look twice at the model tall arm-candy on someone's arm. Squalo didn't like those missions but he could do them, as no one looked twice so long as he behaved shyly and he could do some wonderful mind-fuckery with just a hand fan and putting his hair in an up-do. Squalo would be fine with that even.

What he wasn't fucking fine with was being sent on pain in the ass errands to another country on a god damn whim. Squalo had even picked up a mission in the area so Mammon wouldn't bitch and Squalo could write off the trip as a mission expense.

Squalo could understand some of it. If it was fragile then Levi was likely to trip and breaking it being the clumsiest member of the Varia as he was. Bel would _maybe_ get around to it in a week and would snoop. Luss would snoop and lecture too if he didn't quite approve of it. Mammon would have to be paid for it, and then paid more not to snoop.

So unless Boss wanted to trust a mook, a Squad Leader or some other member of the Varia then any personal errands that Xanxus couldn't or wouldn't do himself fell to Squalo.

Squalo knew he would do it as much as Xanxus knew that Squalo would complain about it.

Next time, Squalo was dragging Xanxus out to do his own damn shopping.

* * *

Not beta'd.


	3. Rain Dancer

Rain was generally considered a soothing gift from nature. A constant drum of rain on the roof would make for a natural lullaby and lull people into contentment. When it rained like that, even the Varia might settle down. Some of them anyway, assuming they didn't have someone to kill or were even in the country when it was raining.

Bel would find a pillow and invade Mammon's rooms to take a nap even if the charge would be no small amount of change. Mammon occasionally would join Bel but still charge the prince out of principle. Lussuria would take a moment to relax or even decide to bake something while Levi would stay indoors unless he wanted his umbrellas to attract lightning.

Xanxus however might watch the rain for a little while, doing paperwork or sipping wine depending on the time. Sometimes however, there was something else to watch… and today's weather was perfect for it.

Squalo despite being the Varia's Rain was not anywhere nearly as predictable as those he worked with in such weather.

A brief mist of rain could get get praises or curses. Sprinkles could send the swordsman running in or out of buildings. Steady sheets of rain could get a sigh or a smile. The rare times when it seemed like the Sky was trying to drown all those below it… Those were moments to experience, as the weather made its presence known in the form of dark clouds, heavy winds, slashes of rain and the cracks of thunder.

When it was raining like that, there was a favorite place within the Varia's Headquarters that Squalo preferred to be, where he could stand and endure the worst of the weather. The rain could pelt him, the wind could attempt to blind him with his hair and water and the lightning could strike close enough to leave marks on the stone castle. Squalo could stay out there, sometimes just breathing in the renewal of the world. Sometimes meditating, and if the wind wasn't too wild and the lightning not sparking nearby, Squalo would run through katas of all the sword styles he knew.

This time, Xanxus noticed after seeking Squalo out, that he was getting quite a show. He mentally started picking out which styles Squalo went through as his hair plastered itself to Squalo and how Squalo could use that same wet hair as a counterbalance to the ridiculous acrobatic styles Squalo knew that sometimes made themselves useful for the shark's dramatics.

Unfortunately, Italy's climate despite the proximity to the ocean had a dry climate so the show never lasted for long. Xanxus knew when Squalo noticed him -there was a little hitch in his step- as Squalo tried to shed the extra weight of all the water in his hair and turning a little grouchy as the idea of dignity in front of his Boss tried to reassert itself.

Xanxus waited until Squalo had entered the room properly before tossing the rolled up towel into the swordsman's face.

"What's this kind and caring consideration for shitty Boss?"

Xanxus considered ignoring Squalo but he knows from experience that it won't work. "Can't have you getting sick. We've got a mission later this week."

"We do?" Squalo replied, clearly surprised by having a mission when he thought he had the rest of his week was previously clear. "Suppose it's a last minute one then. What is it?"

"Yacht party. Couples only. Frame job. One of the targets is Flame-sensitive so we can't use major Mist tricks." Xanxus outlined. "Having us both there is overkill, but most of the Varia Ladies are already booked and can't clear out their schedule."

"Fuck." Squalo cursed.

Xanxus smiled. "Get ready."

"You could have told me this before I went out into the storm." Squalo replied in a clipped voice. "Wouldn't have risked it."

"And miss the show?" Xanxus countered, laughing as he reached the door.

"VOI!" Was the yelled reply. Xanxus just threw the door open and left.

As Xanxus made his way back to his office, he thought that there was something glorious and so right about Squalo practicing with his blade in the rain. All that grace, balance and precision was put on display against nature's cunning and treachery.

Sometimes when it rained, Squalo danced with nature and death.


	4. Glitter War

The Great Vongola Glitter War began almost innocently.

Almost because a professional assassin since the age of eight, Belphegor of the Varia didn't quite fit 'innocent' even well before he was a professional killer. If anything remained 'innocent' about Bel it would be his general childish enthusiasm for whatever he decided to do. No one could say that he didn't start the _Glitter War_ with a malicious child-like glee, although how far it had escalated was not intentional; at least not completely intentionally and all his fault. If anyone had caught him and asked, he would point out that they could have stopped the Glitter War far, far earlier. They hadn't caught him, hadn't even suspected him either.

To be honest, Bel's penchant for mischief was well-known, as were his favorite targets. Sometimes however that was boring, as were his usual methods for chasing boredom away. This required a change in targets and an adaption of his personal methodology. Sometimes it became far more fun but other times it was far less fun.

First off, Bel had to be inspired to begin the prank that let to the Glitter War. That began when over in Norway, Bel had completed his job with ease - _that was supposed to be security?_ \- and then had started meandering around various shops to kill time before he would work his way down Europe and into Italia to return to Varia Headquarters. Bel even had two more jobs to complete on the way down -the Varia made sure to maximize profits by cutting travel costs as much as possible, preferring a line-up of jobs over just a single round trip; Mammon got annoyed at the cost of the latter. So long as flights weren't needed and check-ins weren't missed, a Varia agent could take as long as they wanted to get back; it was generally preferred that they not spend overly long away from Headquarters though.

Bel's eyes despite being hidden behind his hair since a young age were sharp and were drawn to anything that sparkled; some of that was professional wariness of snipers and traps but the rest of that was purely due to personality. Bel liked shiny things. The woman's scarf was sparkly enough due to the thread but there was also glitter on her face under her eyes and on some of her clothing.

 _Glitter_.

Belphegor was instantly entranced. Raised as Bel was, glitter was a plebeian adornment for peasants. Growing up with the Varia didn't reinforce this view so much as leave Bel to make his own opinion about it; the Okama wore it on occasion in small doses, while the Shark yelled about it and how it was unprofessional. Boss had never said either way and Bel didn't care about Stupid Levi's opinion. Bel had yet to pay Mammon for an opinion either way yet, so Bel didn't know the illusionist's opinion either way.

It is therefore less a surprise than people would think that Bel would decide that glitter made for a wonderful Royal amusement. Especially when said Royal was a genius and had a _plan_.

Said plan began buying glitter with a stolen credit card with most of his hair and his crown hidden by a hoody as a way to prevent identification; said credit card was stolen from a local hitman who Bel had tortured for the information required to use it. Then Bel had the glitter bought from a number of shops shipped to one of his preferred package drop-off addresses; the Varia had a number of those throughout the world and Bel had claimed a number of them as his exclusively. It would be picked up and moved to Varia's HQ or another storage place within moments of reaching there.

The second part of the plan was determining who best to frame and manipulate along with how. It wouldn't be very good entertainment if there wasn't a chance for bloodshed but it had to be set up just so to get it right. Thankfully it wasn't that hard, so long as he avoided bringing glitter into HQ; Boss was scary and even glitter wouldn't change that.

Planning it out was easy enough; Bel despite his genius preferred his plans to be loose and flexible instead of planning for every little contingency and probability. No need to over complicate things when they were simple for anyone of Varia Quality.

The third part was gaining the cooperation of Mammon. That part was easy; just paying the Mist would ensure some measure of cooperation but getting willing cooperation would make things cheaper. While Bel didn't really care for money beyond being able to buy what he wanted, money was the key to any interaction with the greedy miser.

So Bel finished his missions and practically rushed back to Varia Headquarters -especially since he only stopped at only two of his favorite restaurants and actually drove himself back with one of the Varia's discreet vehicles; Bel even did the paperwork and submitted it to Boss. Boss being the man he was, immediately suspected that the prince was _up to something_ so Bel just mentioned that it would be funny and the Varia shouldn't have to do more than just watch the fall-out.

* * *

The Great Glitter War began with a simple glitter prank. Simple for a genius Prince of Varia Quality anyway.

If it was on the Decimo's Rain Guardian, then it would have been laughed off. Other Vongola Guardians would have varying reactions to such a thing but Bel had purposely targeted the Cloud Guardian, with evidence leading towards several sources.

One source was the Sun Guardian. Another was to the Mist Guardian; Chrome Dukuro was officially the only one but everyone knew that Mukuro Rukudo came and went as he pleased. A third source led to one Haru Miura. A fourth implicated the Sun Guardian's sister, Kyoko Sasagawa. The fifth possible lead was hidden in the Vongola's labs, where weapon modifications happened and scientific discoveries were made. Bel left evidence of glitter everywhere, sometimes more obvious or seemingly well-obscured, even in the Decimo's office, in the grand kitchens and even the servant pathways and the occasional linen closet..

Then all he had to do was sit back and watch the chaos. The Cloud Guardian had a cool-head but he also had a hot-temper that was coupled with a fierce pride; his reaction was glorious and brought the others into the chaos. They couldn't help it. Glitter was tossed from bags, spilled onto surfaces and people. The glitter stuck to clothing, to skin and to furniture without a care. Weapons had been modified -that was the trickiest part of the whole operation- as tonfas had been loaded with glitter and confetti instead of chains and dynamite was replaced with confetti crackers. Even the 10-year bazooka had been replaced with a copy that looked like it that shot glitter and confetti rounds.

The best part was that no one ever suspected Bel for some time and even after that they dismissed the idea; they didn't even think to consider him for years and even then only briefly. The Decimo suspected Reborn to be the glitter mastermind as an early birthday present for his dame-student, or some such while the hitman was spending his time and birthday on vacation at Mafia Land. It was, Bel found, hilariously wrong. Hyper Intuition only worked so long as things were known or believed to be fact, but the Decimo was biased in all sorts of ways unlike Xanxus who would investigate things, especially if things fell far too neatly together; Boss didn't believe in coincidences.

As the Varia got in reports about the Glitter War -which soon became the Great Vongola Glitter War as the amount of glitter and property damage intensified as various famiglias visited and added to the general chaos- the Varia felt a sense of embarrassment for their Vongola counterparts. Glitter sparkles for weeks on end was not a good look for the famiglia, even if the Mist was good at hiding the glitter that stayed on people; the glitter that came off of them and onto the furniture she was less great at hiding.

Glitter got everywhere and stuck to things. Visitors, guests, staff, allies and enemies alike. Even Squalo had not managed to avoid all of it when he delivered paperwork to the Vongola, and Lussuria felt that the excess of glitter being used was in bad taste but took pictures irregardless of his own sparkles. Lussuria clearly was in a scrap-booking phase again.

Boss on the other hand…

"Bel." He practically purred in his office.

"Yes, Boss?"

"Verde's got a new chemical in the works. Speak to Mammon about it. It's supposed to stimulate love at first sight or something. Sounds perfected for Valentine's Day."

"Ushishishishi." Bel laughed. "Understood Boss."

Bel really did enjoy the amusement gained from watching the Glitter War; it really was royal entertainment and Boss agreed!


	5. Better Birdcage pt 1

**Build a Better Birdcage (part I)**

Box animals as a group tended to be smarter than their wild counterparts. They were more easily trained and often affectionate towards their owners, especially if they had a good relationship and self-image.

This was generally a good thing. It meant less of a chance from mauling from the more dangerous animals and meant the smaller ones were less likely to be eaten by predators. No one in the Varia wanted to even think about the mess that would cause; it wouldn't end in an 'eaten' box animal so much as one of the owners would end up killing each other because their box animal was eaten. The Varia were remarkable assassins after all and very good at what they did.

For some people, the bond went so deep that the animal was a reflection of themselves.

For others, their box animal might have picked up some… quirks. Habits that couldn't very well be explained as other than actual learning. Possibly from their master, but possibly elsewhere.

No one could doubt that Xanxus and Bester were close reflections of each other, for all that Xanxus spoiled that cat of his silly; it didn't make Bester any less dangerous, much like their Boss. The same went for Squalo and Alo and Bel with his mink even if no one was sure how Bel managed to style the mink's fur to imitate his haircut.

People who knew Lussuria found that the peacock suited the okama. Flamboyant, attention grabbing looks and a cocky strut. So no one had any doubt that the peacock and Lussuria were well-suited for each other.

What most people had trouble remembering was that Lussuria was a Varia Quality assassin and had skills other than martial arts and flame assisted healing.

Lussuria was an assassin so he had to get through security, often in a stealthy manner. Most digital security could be hacked, jammed or otherwise rendered useless. Still, there were some times and places that required a more manual touch. Lussuria had a talent for picking locks of any and all sorts with nothing but a hairpin.

His peacock shared this talent, not that the Varia didn't learn this till later.

So the first day after getting their box animals, a number of the Varia left their animal partner out overnight. They had missed them, as they had remembered hard times spent with their partners. That first night, Xanxus had Bester curled up in bed with him, while Bel's mink had a pillow of its own. Squalo's shark and Levi's sting ray were recalled to their boxes as they were aquatic creatures and not well suited for staying on land for any length of time. (Squalo would have a shark tank installed by next week though.)

Lussuria put his peacock on the perch he had set up for the occasion and went to sleep.

Lussuria woke up to the breeze from an open window and the sound of gunfire. Luss' sharp hearing picked up the subtle sound that differentiated Xanxus' guns from others, so Luss knew exactly who to check up on..

"Boss?" Lussuria asked, after a knock on the door. "Do I need to call someone to clean up some corpses?"

Lussuria heard a number of unintelligible mutters before his Boss called out and commanded him. "Catch that damn bird of yours trash, before I murder it."

The Sun Officer took that as permission to enter and after a glance confirmed that Xanxus was unlikely to want to get up -he had buried his head under a pillow- Lussuria recalled his peacock from whence it came. A peacock was not the best alarm clock in the world, for all that it was an effective one.

* * *

The next time Luss let his bird stay out overly long, was by accident.

Bel had thrown a tantrum and as the Sun Officer didn't like those he was healing well enough to do individual treatments, he used his partner. After tossing personal grooming kits towards the unfortunates, Luss made his way to the office to make notations of the injuries in the mooks' files and the fact that one of the mooks required stitches because he had gotten cut deep enough that the peacock's diffuse Sun Flames couldn't heal it within the time Luss had directed the use of his bird.

The bird had followed his master to the office and made himself at home on top of one of the filing cabinets. Lussuria finished making notations, filed them and then left and closed the door behind him; the door automatically locked with a final sounding click.

The peacock did sleep in the office for a while, tried to look for a way to open the window and even examined the vent. Trying the door handle didn't work for the bird either. Eventually after a little squawking, the peacock took one a paperclip, bent it and picked the office lock.

This would be the start of the peacock's various escapades, but no one knew that yet.


	6. Chocolate Crises

**Chocolate Crises**

* * *

Even with the mafia giving the Varia a steady income, there were surprising periods of slowness that happened for an organizations of assassin. They were never predictable in how long they'd last or when they would appear but it happened. It wasn't that they lacked missions but none that really required the sort of Quality that needed an Officer.

In short, a lot of missions were pretty much milkruns they could send the mooks on and not have to worry about. It gave the Officers time to reassess subordinates, see to their own hobbies and decompress. This slow period was bordering on two weeks. It was enough time for Lussuria to run out of duties and start finding work to do even if it was busy work.

That was the reason that Lussuria was busy doing inventory, assisted by Varia's Housekeeping staff. This being the Varia's Housekeeping meant it was full of retired Varia, apprentice Varia complete with pet names and those men and women with the nerves and skills to survive living with and taking care of assassins; being part of Varia's Housekeeping didn't always mean being maid or butler either, although some were. Varia's Housekeeping maintained the grounds, the Varia's transportation, bought and transported supplies to the castle and even did non-emergency medical care. They even took care of some of the Varia's internal security; former Varia and current apprentices only for that though.

Because of this, they sometimes knew far more about what might would, could and should but wouldn't trigger various assassins. It was very handy for survival to know what would set a Varia Quality assassin off; so it could be avoided or used for some nefarious purpose.

"Shit." An apprentice muttered. "Look at what's missing."

"What?" Another asked, before glancing at a curiously open space in a previously locked fridge. The locked fridge wasn't that unusual; the fact that it only held edible delicacies of the non-cannibalistic variety was. This was the Varia after all and fridge horror was very much a beloved if occasionally gory gag. Taking precautions against that was just sensible.

The second apprentice paled a bit. "Fuck. How'd that happen?"

"What is it Honey?" Lussuria asked, not seeing what had the apprentices alarmed.

"This isn't the chocolate fridge," the apprentice was referring to the fridge that generally contained the chocolate eaten and used by the Varia. That fridge was surprisingly well protected and something of a hazing ritual for newly joined mooks to fail to break into. "This is the fridge that we keep Boss' chocolate in."

The okama frowned at that. It was rare but his Boss did have a sweet tooth. Not much of one, so it rarely showed up but when it did and wasn't fed the chocolate it wanted… well, it wasn't pretty. It didn't help that it was the expensive kind of chocolate either; it was also really good chocolate.

"That's not so bad. We can order more of it, while we investigate who broke in and stole what we had." Lussuria reminded them.

"Boss has been in his workshop since this morning. If he's done with it…" The retired Varia member and the apprentices' supervisor mentioned. He didn't have to finish the sentence. They all knew what was at stake.

Xanxus' good mood was typically a very fragile thing; a day spent in the workshop -because he'd work through lunch while either tinkering with his X-guns or making new ones- was followed by a shower. Having his food done perfectly, a good wine and better chocolate afterwards and their Boss might approach nice. He would certainly be mellow. If Xanxus went to sleep mellow then that good mood would solidify for the better part of a week; the Varia adored those times as they were as rare and precious.

If Xanxus mood was wrecked before it naturally dissipated then everyone would certainly share the misery. The Varia's Boss would find new and inventive ways to make them suffer. Physically there'd be thrown things - _anything_ on his desk was a weapon- if it was a truly terrible mood then there'd be direct physical violence like getting thrown out a window. A more dangerous mood would have people wary of being shot at as he'd seethe. That would be what the Varia would prefer to deal with. That was just a more dangerous version of normal.

However if his mood was a bit more sturdy that initially thought it wouldn't completely collapse into anger. Instead of anger or rage it would go to sadism. Boss wasn't one to really enjoy physical torment beyond a few minutes -it tended to bore him quickly- so unless he had a reason to thoroughly break someone's bones he didn't bother. Instead, Boss usually went the mind games route and he was very amused at seeing people fall prey to them. That was _truly terrible_. The Varia was made of sterner stuff than the average mafioso but the last time Boss was in such a mood there were three mental breakdowns, two mooks committed suicide and lots of stress for everyone else. It was honestly the stuff of nightmares.

So Boss having a good day only to not have the chocolate should he want it -he usually did after a day in his workshop. That was a recipe to make the Varia suffer under casual sadism and more head games than any soul would wish to deal with. Even knowing about the head games didn't spare the suffering and in some ways made it more excruciating.

 _'Great_ ,' Luss thought, as he checked the time. ' _We either have two hours to find and recover the chocolate -should it be uneaten- or two hours to acquire more when the nearest place that sells it is three hours away by driving. A heli would be faster but there's no place to park it nearby and the fuel is expensive. I'd also need to get permission before authorizing a heli. Damage control first.'_

"Alright dears, I'll ask our commander if he has any stashed away somewhere for an emergency. Then I'll see if we have a team in an area nearby to pick some up. Save a trip out there and back so it won't take six hours to make a single trip. Otherwise we have a choice of Boss in a bad mood or Mammon in a bad mood."

Needless to say, they'd prefer the illusionist in a bad mood. Mammon could be bribed out of sadness. Money made the miser mist very happy, especially free money. Especially when it was enough money to cover the costs of running the helicopter should that be needed.

* * *

Finding Squalo and informing him of the impending chocolate crises and the risk of losing that potential good mood… well, Squalo would suffer the most directly from Boss but that didn't mean that the swordsman wouldn't share his irritations and frustration on everyone else. Squalo was normally loud but he didn't suffer quietly. Pain was endured stoically but Squalo suffering was deafening.

"Fucking incompetents." He muttered. "We got an idea of when and how that happened?"

"Not yet, but we'll get a report in soon. Not that many people know the combination, much less have the keys."

"Like that's a goddamn hindrance to anyone here." Squalo pointed the obvious out. "You could get it with a few minutes and a hair pin. Hell, I could get it with a crappy paperclip and a magnet."

Lussuria nodded grimly to acknowledge the point. Locks and the like were fun challenges for the Varia. Nothing more than little warning signs, seriously.

"So do you have any idea of when?"

"Sometime before last Thursday and now."

"Voi! That's an entire week. Too much damn time. Housekeeping still investigating who's suicidal enough to do that?"

"Of course they are, we have to know who to sacrifice to our Boss' anger right?"

"Especially since Boss raided my stash last month and I haven't been in the area to stock up. Hell, we haven't had missions in the area for the past two months. The locals are just warring with each other. We'll get missions in there soon enough and they'll be messy but we've got nothing now."

"I think I'll take myself out on vacation for the next few days…" Lussuria chirped, intending to excuse himself.

"Denied. You're all going down with me." Squalo smiled a serial killer smile; one that made Squalo loom large and scary from behind a desk. If Lussuria wasn't used to Boss then Lussuria might have been intimidated once upon a time.

"How cute. My little shark is all grown up and scary now. Mama-Lussuria is so proud of her eldest!"

"VOI! Get your freaky delusions out of here and into the infirmary. Brace for fallout."

* * *

On the roof of the castle hidden by shadows a Prince sat licking chocolate smeared hands.

"Ushishishi. The Prince is pleased with the quality of this chocolate. The Prince should order more before Boss finds out and gets scary."

* * *

Unfortunately Boss found out and got scary before Bel could order it and replace it.


	7. Cricket Capers

**Cricket Capers**

* * *

One of the better things about being Varia was how much freedom being one of the world's best assassins gave a person. Sure there were responsibilities, paperwork and actual missions plus planning to get there. There were a few more issues concerning the timing to do the job and get back but all that was easy. Also easy was keeping in shape that was required to do the Varia's missions especially if you'd been doing so since you were eight. Being a genius only helped with the former, not the latter.

For the most part the Varia didn't care how a job was done, just that it was. Same went for a lot of other things. It was remarkably lassize-faire of the Varia, but some fools just didn't quiet get the difference between having Quality, having Varia Quality and then being Varia. A lot of people had skills but the difference was in the devotion the Varia put into what they did. The fools just didn't get why the Varia culled out those that failed being Varia either since they seemed to value human life no matter if that person was traitorous scum.

Then again, peasants always had trouble thinking things through, which is why they had Royalty to rule them. Someone of Varia Quality that had access to Varia resources -and Vongola resources through them- who was less than loyal? It was a mess and a half. The only reason the Ottabio situation -the very dead and not missed Cloud Officer- hadn't ended before it could even begin was that only someone higher in the chain of authority could execute or cull below them; there was even paperwork for that. Ottabio had been Tyr's Vice-captain. When Squalo killed Tyr, Ottabio's position hadn't changed but when Squalo brought in Xanxus as Boss and demoting himself, he had also dropped Ottabio to just an Officer. It really didn't matter now, as Ottabio and his conspirators were long-since dead.

Even work-related accidents could be tolerated in the Varia, so long as it looked like an accident and no one wanted or knew better than to investigate deeply. The problem with Ottabio wasn't that they couldn't kill him -the Shark had the authority- but that doing so wouldn't be worth the resulting mess at the time. During those years that Boss was frozen, the Shark was in charge but had his hands and sword tied by the fact that Ottabio had subordinates and a network that needed investigated, taken apart and killed with him. Once Boss was defrosted, then Ottabio acted so the Varia was able to take the Cloud, his network and collaborators down in one fell swoop. The Varia's Cloud Division was pretty much decimated due to that and none of them that were left were Officer Quality and they didn't want another Levi-situation; promoting someone who was just that little bit better, no matter his or her other failings. Even the robot was just a stand-in, a nice and dangerous toy but still not the kind of Quality the Varia -and Boss- wanted in its Officers.

Still, the amount of personal freedom afforded was surprisingly staggering for those not used to it; made picking out the newbies and mooks so easy for scaring purposes. The active members of the Varia -especially those with proven Quality- had their own suites of rooms that were there to deal with as they wished. Being an organization of assassins meant they generally liked their privacy and weren't afraid to protect it through traps and lethal surprises. Locks and normal security were by-passed as easy as breathing for any Varia; even the mooks were good enough to get past a mafioso's moderately paranoid security or should be unless they wanted to wind up dead on a mission.

Bel knew that there were several Varia who had hobbies involving corpses that didn't involve what Lussuria did with them; sometimes it ended up as fridge horror as there was no better way to tell someone to take their personal security more seriously than a severed head in their fridge. He knew of people who collected skulls to speak to, who sacrificed organs to gods of a forgotten civilization and those who just found a better use for the meat and flesh that was a corpse like turning it into glue or bones into weapons. Then there were some who just fertilized their plants with human remains; a corpse was a corpse, human or animal and corpses were just meat, flesh and bone depending on how fresh it was. _Rot away lifeless, killers have best cherry trees, they feed on old blood_.* The point was that the Varia had the freedom to do so and made few demands other than reaching a level of Quality and serve.

Even so, assassins weren't exactly the neatest of people which is what Varia Housekeeping was for. They kept the Varia fed, supplied with stuff they needed, made sure transportation worked, the building clean and made sure the Varia were healthy; they did everything not pertaining to assassination directly. That was left to the assassins and the Varia's intelligence agents. Can't kill a person if you don't know where they're at and assassination was a lot harder to do should alarms be triggered. Intelligence was needed to be able to work properly, as was an understanding of politics. Starting a war between famiglias was fun if moderately to majorly difficult; keeping the Varia -and the Vongola- out of the war so to benefit later was harder. Nothing was ever truly neat and assassins knew that like they knew how to keep a person from ever breathing again.

As a consequence of Varia's Housekeeping being sensible and Varia assassins being protective of their space and privacy there were rules in place about the rooms. It said a lot about Varia's Housekeeping that these rules existed and were semi-actively enforced. If there was something noticeably wrong with the assassin's room from the outside -unusual smells, bugs, general sweat musk being overpowering and gag-worthy, blood pooling out from under the door- then Housekeeping would report it. Generally this was referred to as a room violation.

Room violations were usually reported to a superior officer, who then had _free reign_ to fix it. Preferably _immediately_. The one time Bel had that issue led to Boss burning his room with Wrath Flames. Wrath Flames were very neat at erasing things from existence; not even ashes were left. Bel would prefer it not to happen again. Ever.

Afterwards, Bel decided that while he wasn't going to clean his room -that wasn't Royalty's job- then he could at least make punished subordinates do it for him. It led back to the whole lassize faire mentality. Punishments, rewards, language and the like weren't regulated by things like protocol -the Varia had very few of those- but by good judgement and tradition. Some traditions might as well have been more binding than honor -assassins flouted the law all the time- but some were new, recently acquired or even recently discarded. Tradition was always changing like the Varia was; people joined and retired all the time. Best to let the Varia be Varia and do the things the Varia needed to do.

Currently however, Bel had a problem and wasn't sure how to fix it.

He had crickets in his room.

* * *

Bel's room was an acknowledged mess. It was in Ranking Fuuta's top ten messiest rooms in the mafia at number two. It did however get periodically cleaned, much to his subordinates displeasure. Bel had wire traps, knives and poisons strewn throughout his room. Some knives were poisoned, others were cleaned and some were rusty with a chance of tetanus waiting to happen. Clothing was piled in places, books, magazines and more made their own towers or hills if they had spilled. Spare blankets might have one time been folded and rolled neatly but it was currently covering a desk, a chair on top of the desk and a flying knife trap. There were poisons in bottles, next to nail polish and old fraying boots. There were his movie ticket stubs, advertisements, unrolled posters and even amusing tourist crap tossed in for flavor.

Not even Bel liked to clean his room. He knew where his things were at; he could find them. Enough said.

Still, it didn't change the fact that Bel woke up to the sound of crickets. They weren't the quiet sort of crickets either but those that were _loud_. Bel was certain that crickets weren't supposed to be that loud and that these crickets had to be an illusion. Froggy was wonderfully passive-aggressive in his revenge, which made him fun.

The sound didn't diminish as he brought his Storm Flames up to demolish whatever illusion might have been in his head. If anything the sound became louder. Like they were cricket versions of the Shark but without the 'Voi!' Just exceedingly loud chirping that wouldn't go away! He couldn't see past illusions consistently -especially not Mammon's very tricky ones- but he sure as hell could demolish them if he suspected they were there. He had paid Mammon enough to make sure that he could.

Several small moments of investigation later, Bel had proof that the crickets were real. No illusionist was that particular. Few usually went into details enough to know what a cricket looked like from the inside when dissected with knives; also most people didn't realize that insects didn't bleed red blood. Bug blood was more like plasma than actual blood.

Thinking quickly, Bel assessed his options.

1\. Do nothing.

Not going to work. Boss would burn the Prince's room down to the bedrock. Boss was scary and Bel would rather not have to replace everything in his room out of his own paycheck.

2\. Get subordinates to do something about the crickets. Catch them, spray them or whatever.

Risk of subordinates saying something. Not enough time to force them into silence. Killing them afterwards would not be worth the effort of cleaning up their corpses. Blood on the carpets and on the walls. It's a terrible idea. Even piling them in the hallways later for scavengers and Housekeeping would be a bad idea.

3\. Kill the crickets himself.

Minimal risk, trains accuracy, anticipation and precision. Plus he could go back to sleep afterwards.

"Ushishishi." Bel cackled. "The Prince is hunting buggies tonight to feed the Froggy with."

(It isn't cleaning if he's only collecting cricket corpses to feed to that mouthy Mist right?)

* * *

Xanxus and Squalo watched Bel and Fran 'play' with dead crickets. Bel was trying to feed them to Fran -with some success- while Fran threw or spit them back at the Prince. Fran was dropped off on the Varia by Mukuro for some time. As the Varia didn't tolerate free loaders, the young illusionist was put to work.

"Squalo." Xanxus uttered.

"Got it Boss." The swordsman said, then he turned to face the brawling duo. " _Vrroooiii! What do you two idiots think you're fucking doing!?"_

* * *

Earlier that month, Xanxus found a pet store and placed an order for crickets. A bit of focus to use just Mist Flames -instead of pure Sky Flames or his Wrath Flames- had the crickets wrapped in a veil of silence. No noise could escape the crickets' container. No one would even see it was there either. They had no reason to suspect that the crickets would even be there.

He had a Royal Brat to punish and Xanxus could do cruel and unusual punishments. Crickets were loud, small and annoying. Bel adored his sleep. Bel was also afraid of him burning his room down again so there was no way to report it or make someone else deal with it. Perfect math to aggravate the Prince to frustrated and irritable; Luss would be concerned and motherly and Bel hated that as well.

It would be a bit difficult but he had plenty of crickets and an entire week to devote to tormenting his Officer; Bel had no missions for the week beyond in-country day-jobs and hadn't made any plans beyond being a pest. The tricky thing would be finding time to sneak the crickets into Bel's room but that wasn't so difficult as Xanxus knew Bel better than Bel knew himself.

This would be fun, for him anyway. That's what the royal pain in the ass deserved for stealing his chocolate.

Bel certainly wouldn't enjoy it. Not even if he killed the crickets himself. Especially not after a week of doing so. Bel may have had enough energy to harass the idiot frog today, but tomorrow and the day after that?

* * *

Bel stepped out of his bathroom in his towel to the sound of crickets.

"Ushishishi. Some peasant thinks its fun to mess with Royalty? Prepare to die peasant. I'll get you after the crickets."

* * *

"Any idea of who Bel is hunting Squalo-dear?"

"So long as it isn't one of ours, I don't care."

"We'll find the corpse later, I suppose."

* * *

"Bel, if you don't sleep properly your productivity will fall and you're more likely to get sick. I'm not going to pay for your medicine or the doctor."

Bel just yawned. The he picked up the Mist and cuddled as Mammon increased the prices from last time.

* * *

"That peasant is so dead. I'll cut and rip them to shreds and hang their skin up as curtains." Bel promised as the third day of crickets promised to keep him up for some time. He has moved things around, dismantled traps and more so that he could kill the crickets faster. He liked his sleep and he liked not worrying about his room going up in flames. He wasn't getting what he liked at all.

* * *

The crickets kept coming back and Bel was thoroughly ready to unleash his royal wrath on those who tormented him. Four days of crickets? Bel was going to skin them alive.

* * *

Xanxus smirked, as Bel was clearly in a terrible mood and lacking in sleep; he was also jittery from too much coffee. Revenge was a beautiful thing.

* * *

"Bel? Are you having problems? Tell Mama-Lussuria all about them!"

"No!" Bel shouted, as adrenaline gave him the energy to run from the okama despite five days of crickets.

* * *

"Long-haired Captain, the midget miser said that they're currently incapable to join the meeting. I think the fake prince is molesting the midget miser in his sleep. Does that make him a perverted prince?"

* * *

"Bel looks fucking terrible. Send him on a mission somewhere far away." Xanxus ordered Squalo.

"I think we've got one in Japan." Squalo answered, as he searched the documents. "Yeah. A hit for a mistress vacationing in Japan's own version of Hawaii. Simple job really."

"Send Bel with minder too." Xanxus decided.

* * *

Xanxus considered putting crickets on the plane, but decided against it. No need to make Bel have a tantrum and destroy the plane. Best to let Bel have someone to kill, a vacation of sorts and a chance to visit Namimori for sushi. Bel would be all rested up and in a much better mood until the day after.

The crickets would be waiting for Bel to get back after all.

* * *

*Supposedly there's a superstition that corpses are/were buried under cherry/sakura trees. The Varia take this literally. I wrote it as a haiku.


	8. Boredom over Birthdays

**Boredom over Birthdays**

* * *

Xanxus was ambivalent about his birthday. It was a day like any other and he generally disliked celebrating it; too many years spent poor before he was adopted meant he didn't expect or want much for the day and then after the adoption there were grandiose events complete with inane grievance and politics that got on his nerves immensely. He did like the presents, so long as they were something he liked or could use; not that his favor could be bought with gifts.

So he'd much rather be bored than 'celebrate' his birthday; not that the old piece of trash that called himself his father would dare to host such a celebration now. Xanxus' status as a bastard son hadn't made him the 'popular' son unlike Federico, nor was he expected to inherit when the mafia thought he was the youngest of four sons. Then because of the actions that led to him spending eight years in ice none of the upper ranks held warm and fuzzy feelings toward him; not that it was anything new. At least they were honest about their feelings towards him if rarely anything else.

The problem with attempting to do nothing special on his birthday was the Varia. There would be no vapid idiots -men and women alike- scum spewing gossip and rumors like they knew all the details or even an attempt to hold a 'high-class' celebration like the Vongola used to and he preferred it that way. They'd still get him gifts and cake -he couldn't stop that even if he ordered them to- but he'd rather avoid a party. That was a messy situation in a castle full of assassins. A day on the calendar did not mean he was any more sociable. Generally it meant he was less willing to socialize by remembering events of a specific date. Thankfully most of the Varia was happy to not even have to attempt to socialize with their Boss beyond what was necessary to hand in reports or a verbal debrief if a situation required it.

Therefore Xanxus would and had spent most of his day working, as gifts piled up on a table he set up outside of his office. Putting the table inside his office encourage loitering and someone would appear with cake, food, drinks and little plates and glasses. He had learned that last year; Luss and several minions had appeared after Bel had claimed the office's couch while Mammon had made use of the books within the book case; Bel asked for Mammon's opinion on the odds of who got what. Levi appeared shortly after and Squalo screamed at that idiot, holding and waving his written report around like it was a weapon.

That had been last year and Squalo ended up with the unenviable task of his Boss' paperwork when between flying knives, effeminate bodybuilders and everyone crowding his office Levi had ended up getting knocked onto his desk and spilling his drink all over the paperwork. Not wanting to do it again or sort out what was salvageable he had set Squalo that task and tossed Levi through the window.

This year, Mammon was busy experiencing growing pains -of both the physical and mental variety- so the illusionist was practically passed out on his couch. Xanxus found Mammon's shivering to be annoying so had tossed his jacket in that direction some time ago; it had since been turned into a blanket for the Mist Officer. Mammon was still tiny in comparison to his own build but was closer to the height and power shown for less than two minutes during the battle against the Storm Acrobaleno. Although from what he knew about the Esper was that being an Acrobaleno had meant the Mist had issues because Esper powers and brain development correlated or something so there was some psychic backlash for each growth-spurt until Mammon had finished altering whatever mental shields were required for that age or stage of development. Plus there was the hassle of getting used to having some of those Esper powers back so Mammon couldn't just wall everything off unless the tiny Mist wanted to risk insanity or having said powers run wild because Mammon hadn't practiced controlling them again. The shivering had stopped but Xanxus wouldn't say that Mammon was anywhere near ready to leave that couch any time soon.

Finishing reading the most recent reports -Levi had tripped on his most recent one and nearly blown the mission- and requests -Bel was not getting more knives until his room was decontaminated, no one was killing Levi unless they had a better replacement- Xanxus yawned and leaned back in his chair.

The best part about being bored over having to deal with birthday celebration nonsense? Being bored meant you were free to do something else over having to deal with everyone and not be allowed to leave a 'celebration' early.

It also meant no one would bitch about him deciding to take a nap.

So he did, as birthday presents piled on the table in the hall.

* * *

The Vignette took an interesting turn here as I hadn't intended to write Mammon in, because the focus was supposed to be on the birthday boy, Xanxus. So, Mammon and Xanxus... does this count as fluff? It's an interesting character relationship but that's true for all of the Varia. It's why I love writing them.


	9. Master Kiwi

**Master Kiwi**

* * *

Fran only found out about Master Kiwi three years after becoming the perverted Pineapple's unwilling apprentice. Master Kiwi was only intended to be a joke test; ingenuity, imagination, belief and for the camera too back when video surveillance technology was being pioneered and thus a concern on the Varia's missions. The test was a very old one, from before the long-haired Captain killed Tuesday and won castle and its inhabitants in perpetuity that he handed over to the scary Boss instead of the fake-prince; if the fake-prince was a real-prince he would have had the castle, servants and assassins. Instead the scary Boss ruled and not the fake-prince.

For a small flightless bird, Master Kiwi was remarkably powerful. Such a find was a good trade off for having to organize the archives that the Varia kept even if it was the fake-prince's punishment job and Fran's super powers were useless for something like that. The Pineapple that thought he was Fran's master had said it was Mist Flames, as did the Varia but Fran knew that he had super powers. He just learned how to use them to make illusions first. He appreciated the tutelage as much as he appreciated holes to his hat.

Fixing the hats was tiresome and Fran would appreciate being able to do something else on his days off.

Fortunately he didn't have to spend all his time between his pineapple Master and the tooth decay faeries; not even with the villain who killed Tuesday. Why couldn't the long-haired Captain have killed Monday? Was it because Tuesday was the only one qualified to join the tooth decay faeries? They had a 'custody' agreement with the old lady who claimed that she was his grandmother. She wasn't because everyone knew grandmothers made good lunches and food. They also didn't leave cheese wheels around to hit their grandsons in the head. Such a terrible old hag grandma he had.

For a fortnight, Fran practiced with Master Kiwi in secret, observing Pea-chan and other birds and the terrible tooth decay faeries. Then his summer break was over and he was shipped back in a crate to his perverted Master Pineapple. The tooth decay faeries had a horrible sense of time; he had missed the first two weeks of school back for no good reason. Fran was going to have to talk to the loser bug doctor and get an excuse because using superpowers on his classmates was what villains did and Fran was a super hero with a pose and everything.

Finding the loser bug doctor and tricking him into giving a doctor's excuse was the work of an hour. Then when the obedience school trainer appeared, Fran sent him to attack the loser bug doctor with ease. The obedience school trainer hadn't yet figured out how to see past illusions but Fran's super powers proved superior to his.

Fibbing to the perverted Pineapple was easy, although Fran's hat was stabbed again and he had more illusion training to go through for telling the Pineapple that he was a pineapple. His hat was stabbed again when Fran told the pineapple that.

Fran after all the illusion training and punishment left the male pineapple's lair to see the female pineapple. Fran would much prefer her to be his Master Pineapple if he had to have one for his superpowers, but she had only begun training her powers shortly before he had and had a tragic backstory. As she was the senior student under the male pineapple she should have been further along in her studies but Fran knew that her tragic backstory had prevented her progress.

"Fran what are you doing here?"

"Foresight of a sorts. It's one of my superpowers." Fran explained, thankful that the tooth decay faeries had shown him how to do this. For a price anyway.

"For what?"

"For watching our perverted Master Pineapple face Master Kiwi."

Fran was nice enough to show the female pineapple what he meant as he altered how he viewed what was happening in the male pineapple's decaying surroundings. There was a small, green bird that Fran knew was Master Kiwi who had reached Fran's perverted master of a pineapple.

Fran watched as Master Kiwi jumped and kicked the couch that the male pineapple was lounging on.

Flipping over the couch was a good move, Fran noted, but that wasn't the end of Master Kiwi's initial assault. Master Kiwi then kicked the couch again with more force, sending the couch and occupant out the nearest wall.

"Fran, what are you doing?" The lady pineapple asked.

"For the Fruit Salad War begins." He told her. "Master Kiwi verses Master Pineapple."

"Fran, kiwis the fruit don't belong in Fruit Salad, much less a Kiwi bird. But that's not the point is it?"

Finally, someone other than the fake-prince gets it. Fran smiled.

* * *

For Fran, Tuesday = Tyr.

Fran's weird to write. He has such utter certainty to what he does and believes that it's ridiculous. It also makes conventional grammar odd.


	10. Knives, blades and hair-care

To clarify last chapter because I have gotten reviews and PMs over it: Master Kiwi is a Mist-construct created back when video technology was becoming a thing and people wanted to see if Mist-constructs appeared on camera. Re-read the first paragraph and remember how Fran narrates things is odd.

 **Knives, blades and hair-care**

* * *

It's far from common knowledge that Squalo likes having his hair brushed. Only two people know, but a few more suspect. With only one real hand and hair as long as Squalo has, brushing that length is a tiresome chore but a necessary one.

What is common knowledge is that Squalo doesn't like it being touched by others, or even mocked. Squalo gutted a recruit that asked within the shark's hearing if the hair meant something, implying a lot of stupidity that got said recruit killed in a gruesome fashion. It was a cold and cruel death but this is the Varia and the recruit knew the reputation of the Varia.

Less commonly known is that a few years after the Cradle Affair -stupid fucking name that it was- that Squalo knifed a newbie that had no understanding of personal space. The knife cut deeply up the arm along that suicide slice, before being stabbed through that sweet spot between the ulna and radius, next to the wrist where all those lovely veins and tendons were. It was as it was being stabbed through that the newbie screamed, as Squalo's knife was twisted and stabbed into the stone wall.

Even more unknown is that the newbie was pinned there for some time. Squalo _knows_ blades. Not just swords. No, Squalo is the best blade in the world. Not a master of a specific sword or a specific style, but undoubtedly the best. He wouldn't be Varia or the Second Sword Emperor otherwise.

The knife didn't come out of the wall. The handle had to be destroyed, and the newbie's arm had to be pulled through it. That wouldn't be so bad, but it wasn't a throwing knife or even a stiletto which by nature a smooth but sharp edges. Squalo has blades of all sizes and makes and knives are no exception. The exception is that Squalo's knives or some of them are the stuff of nightmares and wouldn't be out of place in a sadist's wet dream. There's hooks, notches and more that make getting stabbed by them go from dangerous to crippling.

As dangerous and terrifyingly intent as Squalo is with a sword, it's when he brings out knives that _all_ the underlying viciousness and bloodlust of his namesake comes out. That information hasn't left the Varia. The Varia's more loyal to each other than that. It's a bond forged in blood, death and secrets; it's part of Varia Quality. No one knows how exactly the Varia does the impossible regularly enough to run as a profitable business but it does and that's the way the Varia likes it.

This still doesn't stop people from wanting to touch Squalo's hair. As grumpy, prickly and vicious as the shark is, sometimes people manage to get away with it. Most often when the shark is out from painkillers, which says the stupid shark ought to stop getting injured badly enough to need a bed in a medical facility.

They don't manage it while Squalo's walking, fighting or moving. The shark is too fast, for all the color of the hair follows him like a banner waving over a battlefield. Squalo fiercely defends his personal space even while sleeping unless he's drugged out of his mind. The hair is a taunt, proof of skill, a point of pride and a promise all in one.

Sometimes Luss can get away with styling it, but that's rare. Mostly 'cause Squalo knows how to do most of the styling himself nowadays and doesn't want to bother with it or undo-ing it.

But sometimes, sometimes, Squalo doesn't want to bother with it but it needs doing or else it'll be a fucking mess. Or sometimes Xanxus decides to intentionally break into the shark's room for a moment of peace and quiet, to have something to do while reflecting on other issues because no one in the Varia ever bothers him here.

Squalo sometimes growls at him to actually be useful and tosses his Sky a hairbrush and it's rarely tossed back. It's a quiet moment, not the first or the last one but enjoyable all the same.

And Xanxus brushes the symbol of a promise they both know will never be fulfilled. Proof of loyalty and their bond is enough. They'll make it so.

* * *

Extra/omake:

"You've got split ends."

"Voi! Shut up."


	11. Curious Concoction (Bel Plays Cupid)

**Curious Concoction (Bel Plays Cupid)**

* * *

It wasn't obvious how or why Bel managed to get away with a lot of his behavior in the Varia. Some idiots might think it was due to Bel's age. Those people were idiots. Age meant nothing in the Varia other than how close you were to retirement. Others might think it had to be because Bel was smart about when and how he acted because he was a genius. Clearly they'd never been around anyone with above average intelligence, because then they'd know that really smart people can be really dumb sometimes; like the time Bel and Mammon used one of Levi's umbrella's when it was raining.

It had honestly taken a while for Squalo to figure it out. Oh, he knew that Boss interacted differently with everyone, personalizing his attention and responses. Not in a dishonest sort of way, because Boss was still undeniably himself, but he did treat everyone differently.

Mammon was something like an adviser for the Varia and being an information broker only solidified that. So Mammon, outside of the Varia's personal space was frequently treated like that because Mammon appreciated the care that went into such a performance of misinformation. However, personally for Boss, it was more like Mammon embodied the conscientiousness, frugality and desire to move on to the future. Boss was always careful around Mammon, respectful without fear and considerate of all of Mammon's talents without taking them for granted. It was far from an easy thing.

Following that line of thought, Squalo knew he was something like Xanxus' sense of duty, personal pride, honor and so on; it was why Xanxus was hard on him and why Squalo was so hard on the other Officers and so on. They could always do better, especially since Boss was harder on himself than he was anyone else.

The others were less obvious. Lussuria was all the dark desires and a sense of nurturing as heavily disguised as it was on Xanxus' part. Not that Xanxus was into the kinky shit Luss was into but no one outside the Varia knew how well Luss and Boss' sense of sadism matched. The okama acted on his sadistic impulses a lot more than Boss did, since Lussuria's were frequently hidden by concerned and mothering behavior but Squalo knew the okama enjoyed making them twitch. Levi was harder but Boss liked efficiency and Levi was the most zealous about finishing his missions quickly. Devotion was also a key part of Levi's character, but also Boss' even though Levi's was only to Xanxus instead of the Vongola or the Varia like Xanxus' was. Squalo could understand Xanxus' distaste for Levi's behavior beyond the annoyance since such singular loyalty was easy to take advantage of. A good Mist could cause a lot of damage if they took advantage of that just right.

Which left Bel to be something like aggression, cunning, irreverence and _worse_. Bel was Boss' sense of whimsy.

And _that_ was how Bel managed to get away with the majority of his behavior. Boss and Bel shared a sense of humor. Bel enjoyed his fun and Boss would generally find what Bel did was funny. Or maybe interesting, because Bel was pretty much the only one that could surprise the Boss regularly with what he found and brought back. Kinda like an evil cat that only liked two people and tolerated a few more while the rest were prey.

It was always worse when Bel and Boss collaborated, as Squalo knew. You couldn't really control Bel. Trying would be counterproductive unless you wanted to get dead. Trying to establish more than a few boundaries was a hopeless endeavor. The few 'rules' that Bel obeyed was because it suited him and his goals.

At best you could directed him, but that was only possible if you worked with him or if he respected you. That left only a few options and fewer still were inclined to try, instead of just going along with it.

But Boss? He'd do a few things like that for his own amusement. An idea here, permission there, some refinement of an aspect of 'the plan' at some point. Sometimes they'd really work together, but this like the Glitter War some months ago had all the hallmarks of Bel's personal brand of sabotage. It was only the sense of vindication that only happened when Xanxus was amused on a deeper level that made Squalo suspect Boss had helped beyond telling Bel how to get around the Vongola Mansion unseen.

Which explained why pretty much everyone that was Flame-active at the Vongola-mansion had gone a little crazy. They were made to and Boss had helped Bel plan it.

Some sort of love potion from Verde, except air-borne. Squalo didn't know how it only worked in those that were Flame-active, but the main points of interest was that it lowered inhibitions and caused a huge surge of certain hormones that were the love chemicals: oxytocin, serotonin and dopamine.

In short, it made all those effected very touchy feel-y and clingy by wrecking inhibitions. So like drunks, they quickly lost all sense of propriety and personal space. And then they 'fell in love.' It was very much like being drunk, as Yamamoto later explained, if a lot more coordinated and coherent so consent was still possible because they weren't that drugged haha. _Idiots_.

Yeah, that was not a mess you could pay Squalo enough to meddle in. Especially since the trash brat and his Guardians were having a meet-up with the Giglio Nero, the Gesso and his other 'allies' for a White Day celebration; arranged by the girls, who hadn't been hit by Verde's concoction in a nearly as high a concentration as the guys since they were outside awaiting their White Day Gifts.

That was a bunch of drama that Squalo did not want to even think or hear about.

Maybe if Boss and Bel were so bored they were messing with trash, they could do something like go on a few sabotage missions together.

* * *

Omake/Extra

"So what did happen?" Squalo asked after he lost a battle with his curiosity and Yamamoto proved unhelpful.

"Words won't do it justice. The Prince has video! It's why we skipped Valentine's day. It took more time to set them up than we thought, so White Day's love festival is available! Luss has even edited it for the best parts!"

Squalo was stunned a little speechless.


	12. Appeal and Ideal

**A Comparison of Ideal and Appeal**

* * *

Most people shy away or dismiss Lussuria's comments about his sexual preferences. How they react to those comments tells Luss far more than people would like; if they watch warily, are dismissive of such things or hate him for it. Their opinion is made plain in their behavior. Some people correct their behavior later, to be polite or because of any number of reasons. Some people don't; they don't care about politeness, rank or the niceties. Lussuria admires that sort of passion and ability to be true to theirself. Luss knows that he's far from the latter. He's a lovely liar of the worst sort.

To be fair, Lussuria knows he's very good at creating and maintaining a certain image. One that's far too flamboyant and even motherly with the nagging reminders and making their favorite dishes when he knows that they've had a bad day. Between speaking in a falsetto, the feminine mannerisms and fondness for leather and feather boas... Lussuria knows he's hard for others to take seriously. Not only as a person but as an assassin; he's killed several people he shouldn't have because they underestimated him and that's part of how he joined the Vongola and later the Varia. Those are such _fun_ memories...

This doesn't make the rumors about his sexual preferences true, or him any less of a Varia Quality assassin and Sun Officer. He does know his personal tastes, and that also means he knows that some people are forever out of his reach. By becoming closer to his 'ideal' he knows they'll become less than they were and that just _ruins the appeal_.

It's most obvious in Boss and Squ though.

Xanxus in general is arresting enough that he shouldn't be allowed to be that sexy. It's so unfair for have that killer face, coupled with that lethal grace and the combination is probably a crime, for one man to be that sexy even without the clothing adding to the appeal; Luss has seen far too many fall in lust with his Boss with just a few glances from across the room on the rare occasions they all attend a social event. Thankfully Boss is already a criminal and an accomplished assassin, so that's not big deal should that much sexy ever become an actual crime. Luss knows that people who see Xanxus tend to focus on his face, looking straight into red irises until the eye contact ends; they, not Boss, tend to break it. People then focus on Boss' chest then on his shoulders and none of the rest matters. They've already been slaughtered by Xanxus' appeal, before they can even appreciate the whole package. Boss is just that lethal and dangerous.

It's Xanxus' charisma and the feeling of barely restrained power that makes other's breath hitch; the first sign of their doom. His attractiveness only makes sense when people realize that nature makes the most beautiful creatures the most powerful of predators. A person sees him and they still, an instinctive reaction to a predator on the hunt as Xanxus always is. Then filled with the hubris of humankind, they want it and will want to claim it however they can even if they know that it'll lead to their doom or destruction. That's just the nature of power and Xanxus will always be power personified with all of power's allure.

Being in the same room with Xanxus is very much like being in a room with an open flame and being a moth. Slowly and then all at once, a person is consumed by the differences between their nature and his. The flame only becomes brighter from the moth's surrender and death. People approach, helpless to their nature and then they succumb to nature's ways and methods. The trash really can't help themselves. It's the trash's struggle to not give in, when they know exactly how dangerous Boss is that is the most fun to watch.

Squalo however, oh, with Squalo you _always_ look at the whole package. It's one of his better points, because he always looks good in uniform or not and this way you appreciate _all of it_. From the shape of his shoulders to the contours of his hips, the shape of his calves and how animated his entire body is. Squalo's a whirl of action, of passion and always taken as a whole from the ridiculously long hair, the wide grin, the hard earned muscles and skill with his blade, the fine footwork and the look of glee and smugness that permeates his entire being.

For Squalo, clothing only sets the mood, the pace, the style; Lussuria does know this as he's selected a large portion of Squalo's wardrobe for the swordsman and Squalo wears the clothing with more grace than can be found on a runway; models show off the clothing, Squalo shows everything that the clothing lends him. Squ could be a classy gentleman, one that listens to classical music while sipping wine. He could be the whirling dervish of powerful, skilled sword swings that is the Second Sword Emperor. The second-in-command of the Varia, dealing with politics in place of his Boss or the Varia's Strategy Captain who calmly assesses the situation and plans accordingly before murdering his way through an army. For Squalo the clothing is important for that, a key to understanding which side of Squalo that's being shown which is why Lussuria always pays attention to what he's wearing. Most days it's the Varia uniform, although days off and out of uniform are always very appreciated. Squalo does have a wonderful sense of style, and isn't afraid to use it. Lussuria very much approves.

There's no doubt that both Squalo and Xanxus are powerful, but Squalo doesn't wear power like a second-skin, like Xanxus does, has and always will; Squalo doesn't have the draw that such naked power has. Squalo's power is more subtle, so people are drawn to look and then _look_. Most people just don't see the depths of Squalo's power but they know enough that they could drown in it if Squalo lets them. They don't see the amount of skill, the intelligence behind those eyes but they see enough when they see Squalo. Enough to know that they _want_.

They watch those long, lean lines, that flowing silver banner of hair, the contrast of colors between pale and dark. They see the authority he walks with, the sureness of his steps. They know the skill and admire it, even as they are left jealous and wanting. Compared to Boss' naked allure, Squ's a damn tease.

Lussuria knows enough, is mature enough as the eldest of the Officers -bar Mammon- to know that some people are better appreciated alive. Their appeal is much stronger then, especially when it is the spirit, the _anima_ of the body that makes the person so attractive. Without that, they become so much lesser.

Because of that, Lussuria can appreciate the irony that should Squalo or Xanxus ever die that while they'd become closer to his ideal, they'd be so diminished from what they were that he could never act on the appeal.

* * *

Lussuria is hard to get in character for. There's a disconnect from his actions to what he thinks and then there's the ick and appreciation. Lussuria is most certainly an apt name...


	13. A Quiet Affair (in theory)

**A Quiet Affair (in theory)**

* * *

It was supposed to be a quiet, friendly affair. Close allies, good friends, all relaxing and taking a quiet day away from the insanity that was their daily lives. Supposedly.

This didn't even last long enough for all the people to arrive, but that was expected. Between the Vongola's 10th Gen, the ex-Arcobaleno, the Varia, the top people of the Giglio Nero and Gesso, Dino and his men and so on… chaos was bound to happen. Reborn alone was enough for that, but it would happen even without his input now. It was just a matter of time.

Xanxus had fond some corner to lurk in, which meant Levi was by his side while the rest of the Varia attempted to socialize in a civilized fashion. Bel had brought out his knives at one point but between Squalo and Mammon's efforts had only been obnoxious instead of playfully deadly. He hadn't caused a fight _yet_.

Byakuran was with the other genii, discussing science, when not hugging and flying with Yuni in his lap which kept Gamma and Reborn close by.

Dino was speaking with the CEDEF contingent, while the Shimon were the Shimon and thus distracting most of the 10th Gen. Tsuna didn't want to know what Kusakabe was speaking to Adel and a few others about, but it was likely on behalf of Hibari.

This left out the small grouping of people that were mixed between Rains and ex-Arcobaleno. Tsuna had been walking and talking -schmoozing- with Enma about various things endemic to their childhood and teen years when he heard Squalo.

Squalo had been taking great care to not let his voice overpower that of others, so hearing Squalo was not unexpected; it was just a matter of when. What he said was. "He's blushing more than when Yamamoto saw the inside of his first whore house."

"Maa, maa, can we not bring that up?" Yamamoto replies sheepishly, which made Tsuna wonder _where_ and _how_ Yamamoto and Squalo in a whore house happened and _why_ he was just now learning of this. He stopped dead in his tracks, Enma beside him as they turned as one to face the group of Rains.

"But they found that blush cute." Squalo cuts in.

"And they wanted your children." Yamamoto brought up in true 'I'm taking you with me' fashion. "So there were multiple propositions. Because of your hair."

"Why were you even in a whore house to begin with, Superbi?" Lal thought to ask. Because yes, Tsuna wanted to know now too.

"Because I killed a guy a few apartments over and that guy was discovered hours before he was supposed to by a bunch of brats who lived in that apartment building, had been planning to break in and steal the dead guy's money. Kids got drunk and went on a damn lark. Sucks to be them."

Tsuna could imagine.

"So you broke _into a whore house_?" Colonello laughed.

"No, I broke into an apartment building. That housed a bunch of women that didn't work a nine-to-five job yet still paid their rent and other bills. What they were wearing was a rather big hint."

"There goes the gaudy bordello decorations I was thinking of. Damn." The blond looked almost despondant.

"So how does Yamamoto factor into this?" Lal questioned, smug smile that said she was thinking about all sorts reasons that were not of the good; even for the mafia.

"It's not that important compared to-" Yamamoto tried to deflect. And was denied when Squalo playfully covered Yamamoto's airways and kept his hands there as if he was casually chloroforming someone. Tsuna had seen Squalo do so before. Actually he had seen Squalo chloroform Yamamoto before too.

"He got _ditched_. By little sweet and shy Chrome over there. She absolutely _stranded_ him on a rooftop. So this idiot goes down to ask directions and he's mobbed by a bunch of women trying to seduce his wallet out of him and it's so damn funny that after taking a few photos of evidence, I burst out laughing. He's all like ' _Squalo!_ ' and I'm hearing shades of ' _save me!_ ' as do the women."

"You have photos?" Yamamoto asks, paling more after Squalo had let him speak. Tsuna almost expected Yamamoto to fall to his knees, but his Rain Guardian didn't. Lack of chloroform.

"Blackmail for a rainy day. Had to develop them separate from my proof of kill to client specifications photos." Squalo said without an ounce of shame. "You blush so pretty in them, that you'd think that you were a virgin."

Yamamoto gets a hard glint to his eyes and smile. "So Squalo is losing what restraint he has, laughing like a loon and he gets noticed by the women too." Yamamoto tosses a playful elbow towards Squalo's ribs that doesn't connect.

"Yeah, so Yamamoto here pretty much jumps me to hide behind me or something and so I get all sorts of compliments on my hair."

"Did they ask you to join them?" Colonello asks, wiggling eyebrows and smiling. _Teasing_. "Since with that amount of hair and a wardrobe change you could easily fit in?"

"There were a lot of free propositions." Squalo answers smugly.

"They loved Squalo's hair." Yamamoto said. "The rest of him too, but man, the things they said about his hair and what they'd do for it." He slowly turns red. It appears Squalo has a reason to be smug. More smug than usual.

"That's not surprising." Lal cuts in, no-nonsense. "Long hair on a man can be a sign of vanity, which can be useful if you want to manipulate him later. It's also a sign of health, clean living and one of relative wealth since taking care of long hair is expensive and people can drug test hair. Long hair can be quite the turn-on," she purrs as she all but drapes herself onto Squalo's arm and chest.

"Kora." Colonella says, like most would say, _Christ_. "Lal!"

"I can't help it." Squalo says, wiggling eyebrows. "Animal magnetism."

"And lovely hair." Lal adds, elbowing Squalo in the ribs. This one connects, but Squalo doesn't make a sound, so much as a face.

"Don't stalk my hair. Luss has already told me when I die, it's getting turned into a wig."

Lal laughs, while Colonello makes a face. Yamamoto says, "So that's why Luss says he's going to get to do your make-up and hair one day. Here I thought that he'd won that privilege in a bet."

Tsuna looks a little horrified and turns to Enma who also looks similar. Conversations about Lussuria either go shallow and fine, or they get deep and disturbing. This one is looking like it'll be one of the latter, if only because it'll be egged on that way by Colonello who really doesn't know Lussuria.

"Let's go get Basil and some food."

Together both Earth and Sky steal the CEDEF's Rain from nearby Dino and pointedly don't think about the other Rains who are being confusing and embarrassing. They snack on food instead.

A fight breaks out behind them, Squalo's voice is heard as is the sound of explosions and gunfire.

"So much for a quiet affair." Tsuna remarks.


	14. Skeletons in the Closet

**Skeletons in the Closet**

* * *

Still the Varia, only the Varia would keep an actual skeleton in a coat closet. In retrospect, Tsuna's not surprised. The Varia is rather crazy. He should have expected something like that. But that's in retrospect.

Tsuna still screamed when he opened the previously locked door.

It wasn't precisely a skeleton, seeing as Italy's heat had partially mummified what hadn't putrefied off onto the floor. It was just a tad too mummified to be a proper corpse though, at least according to other people.

Even though Tsuna suspected that the Varia didn't have happy wishes in their hearts for him, a few of them promptly arrived to investigate the shrieking.

Tsuna was treated to Luss tsking over having to clean all that up and no, they hadn't smelled it rotting and 'isn't that interesting?' in the workplace gossip sense. A few other members discuss who they think it is -there's _three possibilities_ of who it is from a period of _six weeks from the Varia's ranks_ \- and report their conclusion to Squalo who had just arrived.

Squalo yells at the corpse and everyone in the entry hall by proxy, before examining it in depth while holding his hair out of his way. He confirms the third guess and orders the various Varia members milling around to dispose of it. Also to call Housekeeping to do something about the stains on the floor, which Tsuna had previously overlooked. You know, due to having a lap full of corpse.

Tsuna can't help but listen to Squalo mutter a rant -which means it's about normal speaking volume- about gutted like a fish, Bel and not feeding his pets. It makes no sense to him but there are Varia nodding at appropriate intervals.

No one even apologizes for the fact that the corpse landed on Tsuna in the first place. Considering that people have apologized for the possible slightest offense since he took over the Vongola it's different to be so thorough ignored.

It just he hasn't even been here ten minutes and he's already had a rotting skeleton fall on him. He had just gone to put up his coat since he didn't have Gokudera at his side for once.

Yamamoto laughs. "Aren't their props so real nowadays? The Varia, always so dramatic."

Tsuna wonders exactly how this became his life.

* * *

Also known as what inspired Adel Mortescryche's 'Say Boys Don't You See Them Bones'. Where Tsuna is the Corpse Whisperer.


	15. A Wish for Success

**A Wish For Success  
**

* * *

There were days that despite everything all Xanxus wanted to do was ignore the world for the day. Every had them, and their reasons for them.

He wasn't sentimental enough to attach those days to specific dates but… some days were more likely to be worse than others. Bad memories were attached to them, usually.

Sawada Tsunayoshi's birthday was usually one though, especially after he became Don Vongola. Xanxus knew he should probably get less predictable about it, but it was a sore spot. For reasons.

Can you imagine, everything you wanted, everything you hoped for, everything you needed, given to someone else based on nothing more than an accident of birth? Because all of that he wanted, hoped for and needed was built on a single lie.

Can you imagine it all -all that effort of becoming a good Boss, all that fragile pride, the self-worth and identity lost in the wake of finding the truth- just becoming useless and _wrong_ and a total shame - _a fake!_ -with a few simple words written on a page?

He hadn't handled the situation well. It left him rather lost and even after events between taking over the Varia and acquiring frost bite and the the business with the Vongola Rings; not a lot of it helped. Being frozen for years on end hadn't helped him cope with his understandable issues; being frozen for years on end had only given him more issues, who woulda thunk?

Not Nono, the benevolent Don Vongola, after all. Nono somehow still failed to realize that those within the Vongola that weren't up his ass and blind, deaf and more to everything but Nono's shit had supported Xanxus for various reasons, over Nono's older, more established sons. It wasn't just the Vongola's internal people either, but its allies, contractors and citizens within the Vongola's territory. The only two who said 'no' were the only ones who mattered; Xanxus couldn't even blame the Vongola Ring as it was made to be that way.

Still, Sawada Tsunayoshi, the last choice of heir was Don Vongola for a multitude of reasons. Xanxus smirked at the irony; the one that was best suited could never be and the one that was least suited was Don Vongola.

And so Xanxus wished Sawada Tsunayoshi success -so much that he'd be a victim of it.

Fools and optimists never considered the consequences from _that_.

The laws of unintended consequences and irony existed for a reason. Xanxus held up his glass of wine in a single, silent toast before smirking.

* * *

Originally posted on tumblr a few days ago; amended title with a slight bit of editing overall. Original title was 'A wish for success is not the same as happy birthday'. My tags on said post: #khr #Xanxus #this is not even a simple congrats #this is a curse #a curse is not a gift #or a blessing

Edit 11/12/16: Changed Title


	16. The Power of Love

**The Power of Love**

* * *

Admittedly Xanxus is never going to be about love and acceptance with all the sparkles, flower crowns, bunnies and power of friendship that seems endemic to the Sawada-brat. Power and fear are more reliable in controlling a famiglia; especially one as bloody as the Vongola is, because the Vongola dealt with so much of it that they created the Varia to specialize in dishing some of it out specifically. What part of 'elite assassin division' did the brat not comprehend?

The Vongola... It's a mafia empire built on corpses. It is too big to do the love and understanding route with all its subordinates; not even pony-boy can do that, with a solid five-thousand men and a lot less blood and sin under him. Bucking Horse can at least fake it with a core of men, and the entire idea of him being so friendly spreads out from there.

The Sawada brat's more power of friendship, which take time, experiences, common ground and so on. It's not a good foundation for ruling a famiglia like the Vongola when he hasn't been raised as part of the famiglia from the cradle. Dons aren't supposed to be friends with everyone they are supposed to rule over and protect.

Neither is using just power and fear as a foundation to rule though; better to be feared than loved though, as the quote goes. Better than friendship though, especially since the Sawada-brat seems so grateful that they tolerate him to make any demands on their behavior. Like actually listening to him. See why ruling the famiglia through friendship and sparkly bunnies doesn't work?

Having that love, the love of your men though?

That's priceless and something that's only starting to build for the brat, last he saw. If he could inspire that much in half the time to a quarter of the famiglia... maybe things won't turn out to be such a disaster in the future for the Vongola. That's the power of love. It's going to be a hard sell though, even eight years of confinement, a lot of the Vongola had loved and supported him first over Nono's other sons and hadn't forgotten it in his absence.

Xanxus knows about having the love of his men.

Xanxus knows all about the power of love and how to make it last. Not the romantic sort, because he's not a romantic man despite his Italian heritage. He's dismissive of that sort of love. That sort of love isn't required in life, but some people seemed to like it, to love that sort of intimate affection. Some people are a lot more dead because of it.

Assassins aren't romantic as a rule, due to the nature of their profession but they can understand love. They can understand that it'll drive a man to drink, a woman too. They understand that love of beauty and conquest that makes people have affairs, seduce the beautiful, the dangerous, the well-connected that fill the upper reaches of society within the underworld and in high society. The love of family, whether to kin, distant relatives or chosen family. That's not the power he's talking about. That's not the right sort of love either.

The type of love he has from his men, is that of a killer, an assassin; the sort of love you want from men living a lifestyle based on the cold bottom lines of business and blood spilled because it is the most convenient or profitable.

An assassin's love is measured in devotion. It's measured in blood spilled, years waited, money made, seconds spent and the length of Squalo's hair. That's the type of love that assassins have and that's the assassins keep. It's loyalty, trust and anticipation of danger, blood, hard work and sleepless nights planning a campaign before an 'ally' becomes an enemy. It's love and so much more.

That's an assassin's type of love and it's dangerous, oh so dangerous because it is powerful. It cuts the lover, it cuts the loved and fear is required to dull it to affection and frustration instead of devotion bordering on insanity. It requires trust and need to sharpen to a deadly edge.

This sort of love isn't easy to see. It's an assassin's love, not a hitman's passion or a man to his mistress. It's easy to see the fear that he uses to rule the Varia. It's much harder to see the love involved. To see how strong it is. How he uses it.

Xanxus understands the power of love. Understands the how of how assassins love, how it's measured and how to use it. He uses it to keep the Varia as his. How he keeps himself a power within the Vongola itself and how he'd be Decimo if it wasn't for the pesky matter of his bloodline ruining that chance. He's loved by the famgilia and the Varia; he appreciates it and knows how he plans to use it.

No one ever said that love was always selfless or that he wasn't a selfish man. Love's powerful and Xanxus understands that. He couldn't rule the Varia without it.

But he wasn't going ever go for the flower crowns or flying cupids; that's just ridiculous.

But blood? He might be persuaded there eventually beyond purely business. No reason to make things easy though.

* * *

A/N: There's a number of ways to read into that last line.

Partly based on a response to someone on tumblr from ages ago that Izzy forgot about until she had realized she had kept it on a WIP.


End file.
